So, I’m sitting here. Sitting here brewing in my own stupidity and ignorance. I’ve just gone through a mass texting of everyone in my cell phone trying to find answers to my problems. Can we detach? Can we really detach? Can we detach the physical from the emotional or are we destined to just fall deeper and deeper into an abyss? Are our feelings ever justified or are we simply, for lack of a better phrase, screwing ourselves over?
I thought I could be that girl. Or better yet, I thought I could play like a guy. Moving around, jumping around and never letting my heart into the mix. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be working out that way. My heart now seems to be wrapped around the issue tighter than I ever thought could happen. But what do I do now?
Do I nurse what will inevitably be a broken heart? Do I plunge forward and try to justify my feelings? Do I shut up and just take it because I, myself, all by myself got into this mess. Actually, no I threw myself headfirst into this, mess and never bothered to look back, or in this case ahead. I never looked to see where my feelings and my heart would land.
Maybe this is all stemming from the fact that I just watched the finale of Tila Tequila’s a Shot at Love. Maybe. Or maybe I’m just tired of getting my heart broken and went for an alternative approach. As I look at myself and listen to myself, I don’t think the alternative approach was the best idea in this case.
So, I’m sitting here. I’m sitting here in a pool of doubt and confusion and a little bit of shame. Shame on me for not listening. Shame on me for not being the right kind of girl. Shame on me for not know what I want or who I want it from. Or better yet, finding who I want it from and making the biggest mess out of things. Shame on me and I mean shame.
Tags: A Shot at Love, emotions, heart, heartbreak, love, sex, shame, Tila Tequila
